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Dogs may be our pets technically, but let’s be authentic. Most of them behave as if they are legitimate rulers of the family. They parade like royalty, claim the most comfortable spots, demand attention at every time, enforce their own strange house rules that you are supposed to follow. They don’t pay rent or contribute to household chores (unless you count papers as a hobby), but they roam around as if they own everything. They determine where you sit and how much personal space you are allowed (spoiler: not too much).
Takes more bed space than you
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Even if it’s much smaller than you, your dog can still occupy 80% of the bed while you cling to the edge for your dear life. They spread out, stretch their feet in all directions and make no effort to adjust as they try to regain some space. They act like they had a long, stressful day…sleeping. And what if you try to move them? They either get completely limp or give you the most betrayed look of all time.
Always request that you are not paying attention
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It doesn’t matter if you’re working, watching TV, or making important calls. If your dog wants attention, then they Intention get it. They will fine-tune your arms, put a toy in your lap, or sit directly on what you are trying to focus on. If you try to ignore them until you become a cave, they escalate their tactics. Did you think you have free will in your own home? Think about it again.
Oversee all family tasks (without help)
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Even if you fold your laundry, vacuum and dinner, the dogs believe it is their duty to get in the way and supervise. They provide no assistance at all – unless you count on sitting in freshly washed clothes or barking them in vacuum. But they always exist and ensure that they do things according to the invisible rulebook. And what if you move to another room? They follow. You can’t do anything alone in their home.
Decide when it’s time to wake up
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Forget your alarm clock. Your dog will decide when it’s time to start the day. It might be 6am because they are hungry. If you refuse to wake up, there is a way. Licking her face, stomping on her breasts, whining dramatically, and sitting on her head. Whatever that is, they’re Saturday and even if you have other plans, they’ll get you out of bed (sleep, etc.).
Protect your home from… there’s absolutely nothing
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Your dog has appointed his own security director, and their top priorities are barking what is not present. Do the leaves blow outside? bark. Do the car doors close in the distance? bark. Has someone on the TV ringed the doorbell? Bark, bark, bark. And if you try to assure them that nothing is happening to them, then they just look at you, how can you make the danger so blind?
Steal your spot in seconds you stand up
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Waking up for 5 seconds, just 5 seconds – grab a drink and when you come back, the dog is sitting exactly where you were. And they’re not going to move. In fact, they look at you as if you’re boldly wrong to leave such a prime seat unattended. Congratulations, your dog officially claimed it, so you now need to find a new place now.
Discontinue all important conversations
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Are you trying to talk to someone? Your dog has an idea to share. It doesn’t matter if you’re on the phone, having a deep discussion, or giving a job presentation. Your dog will find a way to insert itself into the conversation. Maybe they’ll bark, whine, or stare hard at you until you acknowledge them. In any case, what you’re talking about isn’t even more important than they do.
Bring you a “gift” you didn’t want
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Dogs love to present gifts to their owners, but the idea of gifts is… doubtful. A chewy toy? Old socks they stole? Random garbage they found outside? What’s worse, something alive they proudly bring to the house. They always expect you to be excited about their offering, and if you don’t act impressed, they will bring you the next strange thing to you.
Determine where you can and cannot sit
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You bought that flashy sofa, but who can actually use it? Not you – because your dog already claims it as their personal throne. Do you need to move them a little? Good luck. They either refuse to be upset, or stretch further, or look at you as if you just betray them. And what if you dare to sit where they like? Expect dramatic sighs, exaggerated stares, or a flop of full protest on your lap.
Expect you to follow their schedule
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Your dog has an internal clock that is never wrong. Meal times, walk times, playtimes – these are set to stones and you are expected to follow them. If you forget (or try to delay), they will remind you in the most lasting way possible. Glance, pacing, nudges, whining – either way. You may think you’ll make rules at your home, but your dog knows it’s a real schedulekeeper.
Renovating the house (without asking)
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Have you ever walked into your room and noticed that your dog was rearranging things? Maybe they decided they would drag the blankets to a new location, move all their toys into the hallway, or they would need to shake the sofa pillows well. Sometimes they try to demolish it. Biting furniture, digging into the carpet, or shredding paper that you feel doesn’t belong. Either way, they just act as if they were helping with the home decoration.
You feel guilty about leaving
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Are you leaving the house? Expect the guilt of the century. They give you the saddest eyes, sigh dramatically, and stare at you through the window as if you had betrayed them forever. And what if you come back? They either greet you like you’ve been doing for five years or just ignore you to make a point. Either way, they know they run the house and you know you’ll run it on them.
Determine who can and cannot enter
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The dog is a self-appointed gatekeeper in your home. They will happily greet some guests and treat others like intruders who must judge immediately. They barge with a delivery driver, inspect all visitors, and sometimes decide that one person is not allowed (refusing to explain). And what if a guest tries to sit in their own place? Well, that’s unacceptable.
The house may belong to you, but the throne belongs to them
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You may have signed a mortgage, bought furniture, paid all your bills, but be honest. Your dog is the true ruler of the house. They set rules, insist on the best places and expect to be dealt with at all times. They don’t just live in your home. They own it and you are lucky they will stay with you. They will direct every decision, from where you sit to waking up. They oversee every move you make, demand attention to their schedule, feel guilty and induce you to leave.
